Why Old's Cool?
We believe that sometimes the way things were is better than the way things are. In our opinion, and according to our market research (our grandmother said so), a lifetime of quality is always a bargain, and so hard to find in today’s throwaway society. The attitude seems to be: if it’s broken, or even if it’s not broken but I don’t feel good about it anymore, then chuck it. Seriously, we try to design and create at the highest level of originality and craft, to last a lifetime – and this dedication to excellence forever doesn't come easy or cheap, we're happy to say.
We are also extremely conscientious about choosing products for A Gentleman’s Guide – they are 'Best by Test' as Company B-2 used to boast, and we insure that everything we produce or recommend meets our same high standards of authenticity, use and value.
We try to be a good (corporate) citizen, but have to admit that sometimes aesthetics > ethics. Kidding! Harm watch, harm catch, we always say. BLUF (bottom line up front): beauty, integrity, authenticity, practicality and old-school wit.
What goes on behind closed doors is your business. Seriously, we won't rent, sell, or compromise the integrity of your credit card or contact information. Ever. For any reason. (See "Privacy" below.)
Why don't you ship internationally?
When we first started out we were hoping Old's Cool Co.'s cool ludic loot would conquer the world, but our dream was defeated by the slow, inexorable, thorough, unflinching, inhuman machinery of foreign officialdumb. No kidding — after innumerable headaches, delays, laughs (ha!) and lots of useless and time-consuming paperwork, we decided to stay in our own backyard so-to-speak.
UPDATE: Due to overwhelming demand (and a few not-so-veiled threats), we've decided to ship ONEUPMANSHIP via U.S. Mail to Canada for a mere fifteen bucks extra; Europe, Hong Kong, Australia, and New Zealand for an additional twenty.
How do I return some of your less-than-perfection?
Don't know – it's never happened to us. Ha. If you're not thrilled with any of our products, at any time, we'll refund 100% of your purchase price– just send it back to... Old's Cool Co. Returns, 13 Wilson Road, Weston, CT 06883 ...with no questions asked, except "Are you drunk?"
The Fine Print
We take your trust seriously, and do everything we can to be deserving of it.
We will not sell, rent or abuse any of the personal information you provide us with, either as a subscriber or a customer, and assures you of the security of your credit card information.
When you sign up for our newsletter, we promise not to spam you to death with irrelevant crap — we're only into smarty-pants writing worth reading.
Delivering the goods
Never question the Integrity of the Execution: We do our best to have all of our stuff in stock, and to ship out your order within 24 hours. If we don't, or can't, we'll notify you by email with a completely believable excuse. Seriously, all orders ship U.S. Priority mail; overseas orders ship U.S. International Priority mail.
As our way of saying thank you very much for all your incredible support, we're now offering FREE SHIPPING* on all our cool, genius loot, from this day forward, until forever... with liberty and justice for all. *U.S. only. However, we'll provide U.S. Priority Mail service to Canada for a dirt-cheap $12; everywhere else in the world is a mere $20 more.
If you're interested in stocking Old's Cool Co. quality products in your store, we'd be delighted to have you on board.
WARNING: ONEUPMANSHIP IS A GAME FOR WINNERS.
We think that ONEUPMANSHIP is a beautifully-designed grownup board game that's not only wicked, cutthroat fun, it's also a cheeky and irreverent lifestyle accessory/wry political statement. The operative word in that last sentence, by the way, is "grownup." Not everyone agrees; in fact a lot of people seem to think it's one of the worst games ever made, and not only do they hate, hate, hate it – they can't imagine "how any human being alive would want to play it."
We're not making this stuff up. ONEUPMANSHIP may be perfect for the right crowd, but it's definitely not for everyone. Are you a 30-40 year old neck beard still living in your mother's basement? Stay away. Love to wear socks with your ethically-sourced sandals? Stay way away. There are other people who probably won't take a shine to it either, like quinoa eaters and do-gooders, but we don't want to stereotype, or impugn anyone's character. Poets, whiners and the faint-of-heart? Pass. Everything is Bush's fault anyway.
Both ONEUPMANSHIP and One Up! have some playing pieces that are smallish and can be a choking hazard if mistaken for food, or candy, for example, and swallowed. So use some common sense (even if it means acting out of character for a change), especially when playing around very young children, dogs of any description, or friends with oral fixations. Seriously, if you are even reading this "Disclaimer", DO NOT PURCHASE OUR PRODUCTS — they're only recommended for IQs of 120 and higher, we mean ages 13+.
And in case you were wondering, "Bitter Pills" and "Smart Pills" are not some wonder drug in a handy 8-dram vial, but are simply breath mints (for the intelligent), and have no obvious medicinal value/practical use whatsoever. They should always be taken with a grain of salt. They are not sugar (or irony) free, and may have come into contact with nuts. In fact, we know they have. The actual ingredients are: dextrose, modified starch, magnesium stearate, peppermint oil, acesulfame k.
And finally: The Executive Package comes with a unique selection of custom pawns, which vary from game to game. Most likely you won't get the exact ones you want, so don't bitch about it: go out and make/find/buy your own – a piece of sea glass, signet ring, Pez dispenser, sentimental champagne cork, etc.
We encourage cheating.
We made a career out of bending, breaking and laughing out loud at the rules, so who are we to say you can't make up your own when playing our game? Go right ahead. But to get you started on the road to victory, we've put together a "Cheat Sheet" that is essentially a condensed version of the rules, bada bing, bada boom, since some players were intimidated by our big words (and no pictures) instruction booklet. Don't worry, greenhorns, go ahead and download the Cheat Sheet now – you may already be a winner!
We grew up old school because we were poor-ish and ignorant, thrown back on our wits and dog-bone hard work for entertainment and money, from day one. The Army taught us everything else, and it wasn't the easy way.
We learned all about oneupmanship in the early '70s from a very good family friend named Dr. Victor Popeo. He was, and is, a wry, self-deprecating and fine man, and knew every cool trick in the book. Our hat is off to you, Dr. Popeo.
Legal mumbo jumbo
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