Apologies, again, for the catch-as-catch-can (or can't) nature of this newsletter. I've been swamped with a bunch of things that needed to be drained, so-to-speak, and I'm going to recycle an oldie but goodie this week, starring one of my best friends and his best friend and wife.
But before that, the new website is up and kind of running. Let me know what you think – it's integrated now with our shopping cart and should make things a whole lot easier logistically when we scale to a multi-million dollar brand. Can't wait. Meantime, we're going to offer a "Mother's Day" Collection that'll be up soon, so you can buy something for mom this year that she'll actually love and use. Here goes:
Character references are a joke. Write one that's at least funny.
When writing a "character reference", you've got to realize right off the bat the Board (of anything, anywhere) has waded through more b.s. and lies than everyone else in the history of the universe put together. Are you kidding me? Every single person who's ever come up before them is 100% perfect, Christ-like in his or her compassion, wisdom, generosity, etc. It's nauseating just to think about the extent of the hyperbole.
So it'll behoove you to take the exact opposite tack instead:
To Whom It May Concern:
Here's the bottom line — you really, really don't want Dan Berger and his wife Kyle in your building and I'll tell you why. He's tall, I'd say around 6' 7", but there's something dishonest about the way he acts like he's normal height. He doesn't stoop when going through doorways or for anything if you get right down to it. His posture is always upright. And the way he walks around all quiet and polite all the time — don't be fooled — he doesn't say anything because he's so much brainier than all of us and won't bow down for anything like I already mentioned.
He seems like he's a compassionate person too, but I'm convinced it's an act. When we were in roommates in college, to use just one example, and he got all the extra credit questions right on the advanced calculus exam — I think he graduated with a 4.02 GPA — he didn't come back and lord it all over me, nope – not a word. I had already technically flunked out by then so the point was just about moot, and he knew it. But that's another story…
Or was it physics? Seriously, he's got the kind of trophy spouse everyone really, really dislikes. She's beautiful of course, and sharp as a whip it goes without saying, but she's always pretending to be nice. And kind. And she's always laughing and having a terrific amount of fun every time she comes over our house. Who the heck can be that happy with the economy the way it is? Me, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop if you know what I mean. After all, she's only been in the picture for 5 years or so, so it could go either way. Did I mention that she also has a Harley-Davidson motorcycle? And that they go riding together in New Jersey? And love every minute of it? I hate that.
One other thing worth mentioning: she's always trying to get my wife to spend the day with her in New York and have a hoot. They'll shop and shop and then they'll go to lunch together! My wife comes home with her priorities all screwed up — she's upbeat, positive and all excited to tackle life in her new unneeded expensive knee-high designer boots. I'd rather my kids have straight teeth if you catch what I'm saying.
So go ahead and let Dan Berger and his lovely better half live in your building — you're going to find out first hand that having honest, generous, fun, smart, classy people as neighbors is not all wine and roses. It's going to make you want to be better people yourselves, and believe me, that's not easy.