Are you Retardad? Yes, I am.
"You're only young once, but you can be immature forever." – Peter Stack
How are you raising your children? Isn't that nice. Not us. Leadership by counterexample was our M.O. – our nickname isn't RETARDAD for nothing.
Seriously, if you want to feel good about yourself as a responsible parent, and see the countless magnificent mistakes we made, some intentional – due to our monstrous ego, read on.
I had written a very infrequent blog a few years ago called "Fatherhood in Fifty" which was basically 50-word (or fewer) snippets from my life as a doormat husband, that were so priceless and classic you know I couldn't have made them up. I initially got the idea from the emails I sent to my dad while the kids were all in diapers, and then continued because they were so cathartic and comical, on the re-reading of course.
I always started out the email with "Dad, it's bad..." and then went on to relate the latest funny/unfunny happening, usually with a punchline that was mostly unintentionally very clever, and kind of existential at the same time. To give you an example, here's one of my favorites:
Cate (4-years old) and I are riding in the car, on the way to school, or Dunkin' Donuts.
Cate: Dad, do you want to play the body-parts rhyming game?
Cate: Ok, you start.
Me: Good one Cate! Your turn.
Cate (deadpan): Tasshole.
The kids are home from school having a snack when Neuman (my 7-year old son) asks me, out of the blue:
Neuman: Dad, what's your favorite animal?
Me: What's yours Neuman?
Neuman: I love tigers. They are strong and friendly. What's yours, Dad?
Me: Your mother.
Neuman: She's not an animal!
Me: Oh yes she is, Neuman, yes she is.
I'm in the kitchen washing the dishes and my wife and daughter Jane are watching a movie on the computer.
Jane: Mom, why aren't you watching the movie?
Wife: I'm looking at your father.